First of all, let me tell you a little about myself and how I came to need such mystical tools of survival.
In the beginning, I was born from the ashes of Lincoln and Roosevelt then raised by Hemingway, a troop of firefighters, and werewolves. I was taught to fight evil of all forms from politics to the undead. I can tell you from experience, there has never been a tool half as useful as the Wenger - The Giant Knife. Let me give you a brief example from yesterday:
I woke up after my amazing night's rest in the Wenger's king size murphy bed (with satin sheets). Once the women were dressed and out the door, I made coffee from the Wenger's cappuccino machine. Then I headed out the door, Wenger in hand.
I came across a two old women selling crochet crosses. I pulled my Wenger out of my pants to get to my wallet. The ladies saw this and died in ecstasy just at the size of my Wenger. Now Armed with two crochet crosses, I went to the cave.
This cave was the home of a 58 mouthed snake that looked more like a chainsaw blade than a snake. After traveling 5 miles on the Wenger's hoverboard, I reached the treasure surrounded by the serrated beast. I unfolded my 3 Spartan army and easy bake oven from the Wenger and went into battle. After 15 minutes, the 3 Spartan's had dismantled the toothy monster's 58 mouths just as my cupcakes were ready. The four of us enjoyed my marbled chocolate-vanilla cupcakes (with sprinkles) while counting the treasure and mocking the mouthless snake that lay before us.
After counting the treasure, I pulled out the Wenger's Millennium Falcon and obliterated the Spartans. Seriously, I obliterated Spartans with the Wenger. I think that alone is enough reason to get one! Anyway, Spartans suck at sharing.
I flew out of the cave in the Wenger's Millennium Falcon and crossed the River of Desolation just east of The Mountain of Despair. I was hungry, so I pulled out the Wenger's giant spider legion and they shot down 4 flying dragons with their dark matter tusk lasers. It was pretty cool. Lunch was alright.
I remembered the crocheted crosses the old ladies left me. Their memory should be honored. So, I went to my local vampire castle. If you know anything about Twilight, then you know that everything you once knew about vampires is completely wrong. Inside the castle, there were dozens of tragically fake "glistening" vampires pining over this wimpy goth chick. The tension and virginity was so thick and everlasting that the only thing I could do was slay them all. I pulled out the Wenger's entertainment system and played the first Twilight movie. Mission... accomplished. I put the two crocheted crosses over the Vampire King's eyes. "You're welcome, old broads."
Now that I'm exceedingly bored, I pulled out the Wenger's hot air balloon and went to the moon. Moon men are pretty cool dudes.
I got to the moon just in time to catch the double sunset. I pulled out New York City from the Wenger and sat in the crown of the Statue of Liberty watching the Moon's double sunset with some chicks I found and a couple moon men drinking burnt martinis. Again, moon men are pretty cool dudes.
We partied all night inside this sweet party tent in the Wenger. Chicks love party tents. You wouldn't think a full wet bar would be something you'd ever use in a pocket knife, but it really comes in handy. And it makes the Wenger - The Giant Knife worth it, even if you don't drink.
That's all I can remember from yesterday. The pictures afterward were hilarious. I almost lost it when the penguins arrived. I must of gotten the Extreme Wenger because I didn't know the Arctic Circle was one of the tools. But even if you don't get a Wenger with the Arctic Circle... still worth getting. I highly recommend it. Wenger 16999 Giant Swiss Army Knife
I tried to file my nails and I ended up putting a corkscrew through my hand. I put it in my pocket and it circumcised me. I tried to open a can of beans and it chiseled through the can. I tried tweezing my stubble and it clamped on my tongue. I use the allen wrench and it cheats on my wife! I hammer a nail and it marries my cat! It refuses to do anything it's supposed to.
Ripped through the front pocket of my dockers and broke two of my toes in the process. Not recommended for daily carry. I still haven't figured out how to use the fork and knife at the same time. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
So after weeks of waiting for the Wenger to arrive, I finally received notice from the Custom's office. I ordered directly from Switzerland, nothing beats getting it from the source. Turns out that the built in flux capacitor threw them off and because of some stupid rule in the Patriot Act they had to open the box and check it out...who knew.
Once I had made it over there and everyone was satisfied that this was indeed just for my personal use, I got to bring the beauty home. And how thrilled I was! After three weeks of using it there are however a few flaws that I feel should be mentioned and people who are considering buying it need to know about.
It is a complete mystery to me how a Swiss company can include such a useless universal translator (Tool #139)! I am not sure what they were thinking, but I may as well schlepp my Klingon dictionary with me, because the built in translator produces nothing but gibberish (nuqDaq 'oH puchpa''e' actually came out as 'your mother is bald and has gonads' (should be `where is the bathroom')), I mean this can actually be dangerous! I smell lawsuits coming on...
I think that putting the built in Espresso machine (Tool #321, and by the way, try the 'Latte Macchiato', absolutely delish, but watch out for the temperature setting, don't go over 353 degrees Kelvin!) this close to the neutron accelerator (Tool #323) is just asking for trouble! If I hadn't caught it in time, my wife would have probably blown up the whole metro area by accident. Maybe in Europe they can get away with something like that, but not in the US with our litigiousness.
Who in their right mind includes a light sabre (pretty much useless), and the latest version nonetheless, but does not include an optomitron laser cannon? I mean, come on, how often does one find himself in close combat these days?
I thought that the storage chamber was a nice touch, I think they listened to customer suggestions on this, it can easily fit four kegs, but there is no mud room (don't the Wenger people hunt?) and only one fold out couch! What is anyone to do with that?
The online PDF handbook is a good idea, but at 6.6 gigs a tad big maybe. Plus, I found no reference in the manual to the flame thrower (which is actually kind of hidden, it is a sub function of Tool #212, the cold fusion device), oversight or intentional?? I only say one word: Barbecue!
I am getting a strange buzzing sound when I use the plasma scanner device (Tool #462) while running the anti-matter chamber (Tool #479, let me just say: bring some shaving cream and your girlfriend/wife in there with you and have some fun!), anyone else experience this?
The refrigerator (it's actually an accessory) is well worth shelling out the extra money for, they added a freezer compartment, something we had all been waiting for, right??
Regardless of all these flaws I have to say that it's worth its money overall. The handling is beautiful, the built in anti-gravity function works great and putting the handy on/off button on the outside is a great improvement over the last version, bravo Wenger on that one. I like the color scheme, though the OLED exterior with the color changing function is as moody as an Italian car, it has surprised me with some occasional neon colors popping up out of nowhere (I smell a firmware update coming soon).
I'd say if you have been thinking about it, get one, overall you will not regret it.
P.S.: Why no USB 2.0 support? Can someone explain that one... - Swiss Army Knife - Multi-tool - Chuck Norris - Wtf'
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