My husband and I separated after years and years of the same problems that we couldn't resolve. Realizing that perhaps it's not just what we are saying to each other but HOW we are saying it, I bought 6 books on communication. This was hands down the best one.
The first part of this book is a little slow, as it deals with research on couples and commonalities among happy and unhappy couples, blah, blah, blah. The 2nd and 3rd part of the book are the real meat of it. This book is excellent at not only helping you identfy the dysfunctional communication patterns you and your partner use, but also to determine WHY you use them. Most importantly, once you understand what NOT to do, this book tells you exactly what to DO in order to have successful communications with your partner. This book was an absolute eye-opener and my perception of my husband and his perspective has done a complete 180.
Now don't get me wrong, this book isn't going to do the work for you. You still have to commit to being open-minded enough to see YOUR faults in communication, not just be looking for everything wrong with your mate. However, I did see a lot of my mate in this book but instead of giving me ammo against him, this book really helped me understand him better. Also, this plan will be work. Changing old habits is ALWAYS hard work. But, my gosh...isn't it worth it? I can't stress enough though the importance of taking a hard look at yourself first. You have to be willing to consider that your partner has been just as hurt in your relationship as you have...and that you have caused as much destruction as you feel your partner has caused.
I have asked my husband to read the book. I don't know if he will. If he does, this book may very well save our marriage. Either way, I'm going to implement what I've learned into my own every day life. Because, if things don't work out with my husband, I need to be a healthier partner for any future relationships...and I need to be healthier for ME. I do have to say though, that reading this book has given me real hope that my marriage can be saved. Sadly, it shows me how unnecessary a lot of our pain has been. Every therapist tells you to talk about it but no one ever teaches you HOW to talk about it. You will be amazed how much HOW you talk is really what's going on in your relationship conflicts.
Every couple should have to read and discuss this book before they are allowed to get married. In fact, I may make this book my standard wedding gift from now on. In the end, where did all of those china place-settings ever get anyone? This book would be a real gift! I can not recommend this book more highly. If you are searching for books on this subject, than you need this book. Buy it now. Read it with an open heart. Share it with your mate. Good luck.
(Also, another great book to read to just better understand the many dynamics of all communication is Messages by McKay, Davis & Fanning...this book was also very helpful and I recommend it as a companion to We Can Work It Out. If you are dealing with an affair, "Not Just Friends" was the best of the several I read. That one deals with emotional affairs (which was my situation), not just sexual affairs.) We Can Work It Out: How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage (Perigee)
The usefulness of the advice in this book surpasses that of virtually any "self-help" book on the market. As a psychologist in practice for over 20 years, I have never before encountered such a valuable resource, both professionally and personally. The writing is succinct and full of several examples of each idea presented. If ever there was a relationship "handbook", this is it. Moreover, the information presented has a strong research base, and the efficacy of the recommended strategies has been proven. I can't recommend this book highly enough. You will not even find anything this good in a therapist.
The key to this book is that these aren't just some college professors with their feet on the desk and a pencil in their mouths coming up with some theory about how marriages should work. These are researchers who have observed relationships that do and don't work and have summarized the differences in them - specifically, that happy, healthy relationships are those where conflict is resolved in a constructive way. They then go on to detail exactly how that occurs. This lends an air of credibility to a field where it is sorely needed.I have found this book extremely helpful in my own life, and I have recommended it to many, many people; both friends and patients. It's by far the best book on how to make a relationship successful that I've ever found.
Not a bunch of fluff, nor "getting in touch with the inner child". Solid, realistic and fair. This is the first resource to actually work for my marriage. After several rounds of live counseling, we had almost given up, but this book reassured us both of the fact that conflict is very common and can be resolved, appropriately. We have learned many new skills and how to apply them to our marriage.
My husband and I have never been very good communicators. I get frustrated because he is the type of person to hold things in and although I am not as bad, I have a tendency to do this as well. But once there is a serious issue on the table I am ready to talk. By then he is totally closed off. This makes me angry and frustrated. This book has really helped me with my anger and frustration and has shown me better ways to deal with issues. I highly recommend it!
This book is based upon an innovative, revolutionary twenty-year study. It is a simple-to-understand and clearly-worded guide that provides you with straightforward, scientifically demonstrated techniques that can help you make your relationship work.
At the heart of the concepts presented by authors Clifford Notarius, Ph.D., and Howard Markman, Ph.D., is their "Better Talk" program. This program is unique among communication improvement practices. Better Talk builds upon the foundation set up in the introduction of the book. It permits couples to understand how to communicate using respect and shared understanding, especially when having conversations of a problem-solving nature. Instead of arguing with one another, couples discover how to work together to tackle their problems. Couples learn how to work on the same team, and to use constructive interaction instead of anger.
What truly stands out about this book is that instead of focusing on what makes a relationship fail, We Can Work It Out instead looks at what makes a couple succeed. To determine what the key elements of successful relationships actually are, the authors dedicated 20 years to studying relationships and what makes them work. Their key finding: A happy and successful relationship is based upon the couple's capacity to work through their differences, not actually on the individuals themselves.
By using diagnostic questionnaires, examples, and easy-to-understand explanations, We Can Work It Out very practically and realistically helps you to identify your problem areas and patterns, and to use the techniques outlined in the book in your own unique situation and relationship.
Though this book does tend to feel as though it is dating itself on occasion. The authors frequently refers to their findings and writing in the early 1990's. However, the lessons here are in no way obsolete. The findings of We Can Work It Out remain just as accurate, relevant, and current as they were when they were first printed.
This book provides you with a useable, optimistic, and realistic management approach for dealing with the issues troubling your relationship. It provides a levelheaded, sensible way to find your way back to the happiness you were once able to enjoy when your relationship was better fulfilling your needs. - Couples - Divorce - Communication - Marriage Help'
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